FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
APRIL 1, 2012, CHICAGO: In an emotional and revealing interview that will surely rock the GOP presidential race and a small number of self-hating Latino Republicans (estimated to be about .0000000000007% of the US Latino population), Florida Senator Marco Rubio fought back tears as he admitted to our own Oprah Winfrey that he is really not Cuban nor of Latino descent.
When pressed by Winfrey, Rubio revealed the following:
Oprah, I have been living a lie to convince Tea Party Patriots that they could actually support a Latino politician and still spew anti-immigrant hate. But I can't live this charade any more.
My real name is Mark Blonde. I was born in Holyrood, Kansas. I am as Cuban as Pitbull. In fact, that is how I got the idea. I started listening to Pitbull songs in 2008, while working at the Bank of Holyrood on W. Main.
I was bored, I was a dreamer, although not the kind of DREAM-er your might think. The only Latino thing I have done in my life is eat a Doritos Locos Taco a Taco Bell in Great Bend.
It was easy to do. I changed my named and all of a sudden, fellow Tea Partiers saw an opportunity. They whisked me to Florida, and next thing you know, I was sipping coffee in Miami, winning an election, and living in Washington.
Then when Mitt Romney started checking me out as a VP, I was blinded. Blinded by the fame. But it was a farce, Oprah. [holding back tears]. A farce! I have been living a lie for so many years. I can no longer live it.
I am sorry, America. To all the Republicans who felt good to vote for me because I was just the right white Latino (thanks, George Zimmerman, for screwing that label up) for they. Sadly, I am not.
By the way, ROCK THE CHALK!