Why, why, why should we even care about this? It is Cosmo Latina, which would be enough for us to just stay quiet and walk away. But when we get two emails from readers asking us to weigh in on all this, how can we say no?
First of all, let's get this out of the way: Cosmo Latina? #NoMames, please. Thanks!
Ok, that felt good, because in the last 15 minutes, we got a link from Jezebel from two readers that read, "Cosmo Latina Majorly Fails With ‘Latin Style’ 50 Shades of Grey Tips."
This can't be. We are now going to Latinize everything? Even a bad crappy sex novel? Guess so.
Granted, the headline alone should have been enough for us, but of course, we had to read the actual piece from Cosmo under the section Cosmopolitan for Latinas. Who the hell pitched this one?
The challenge, oh Latina reader: "If you haven't read the erotic novel that has taken women around the world by storm, you should! Warning: it'll make you wish your guy can play the Christian Grey role sometimes…so we took the phenomenon and added a Latin twist to it and offer the best tips on getting him to have 50 shades of hot sex with you!"
We could have stopped there. But we didn't. Other nuggets of #NoMames brilliance:
Scenario: Bondage. Christian Grey ties up his “subordinate” Anastasia Steele with his tie, using it as his handcuffs.
The Latino Way: Start the night off with some drinks, like one of these Latin-inspired cocktails [ED: nice fake product placement!]. Once he’s a little buzzed, get him to use his correa to tie up your hands over your head. Tell him it’s his night, and let him take control of your cuerpo.
Scenario: Hitting it to the beat. Christian puts headphones in Anastasia’s ears to relax her while he takes over.
The Latino Way: Play one of his favorite Latin songs (lose the headphones, though) and do a little a dance for him in your sexiest lingerie.
Scenario: Spanking. We all know Christian shows no mercy in this act.
The Latino Way: So…we are not saying you have to be spanked to the point where you’re crying like Anastasia was (unless that’s your thing), but there’s something sexy about a little light spanking here and there. When you’re in the middle of the act, ask him to spank you and call him papi. He’ll love that you used this familiar term in a naughty way.
Scenario: Talk dirty…before sex. Christian and Anastasia send naughty emails to each other.
The Latino Way: Keep it old school and leave him a post-it note prepping him for what’s to come later tonight. Don’t get too sucia though, say something cute and witty like “pensando en ti” or if you want to get just a little sexier tell him you’ll be thinking of his hot body all day.
Have actual professional editors and writers become this lazy and insipid? Looks like it. Because you know, it's so IN to be LATINO these days. We can only imagine the creative process that got to the story's idea: You know, let's like totally create a Latino Way for 50 Shades of Grey! We can push our cocktails and toss out Spanish words where they don't belong in actual sentences! Hey, we can add a spicy hot Latin song and mention a little papi or two. And nothing would get a guy hotter than the words "pensando en ti." But don't get too sucia!
Imagine, content like this can have endless possibilities. Hey, ladies, can't pick a dress? Try the Latino Way! Having problems with your nails? There's a Latino Way for that! Can't decide what to cook for your man? Yup, Latino Way time!
Ah, hot Latino sex. The stereotypes live and the mass media is at the forefront! We are 100% convinced that most women would look at all this, sigh and then yell out #NoMames with us. Or be like the one Jezebel reader who said it best: Vomito en mi boca.
BTW: We are really bummed that America Ferrera is also in this issue. Does she even know about this crap? Ugh, why do these type of magazines have to always lower the bar?