Trump Immigration Lawyers for Trump

May 7, 2016
12:27 PM

Donald Trump

Today, the day someone decides to publish this, is the day we announce that we are beginning Trump Immigration Lawyers for Trump or TILT (Trump is so great we need to have it twice in our title).

Those of us at TILT have been following Mr. Trump closely since he announced his run for President. Sure, we were shocked and disgusted at his comments about Mexican immigrants, rapists and drug dealers and all of that. We were amused by his call for a wall and his cry for the physical removal of all “illegals” and their families.

We mocked him. We sneered and yes, we disrespected, but we have learned.

Like Mr. Trump, who used the bankruptcy laws of this generous nation of ours to benefit himself and his businesses (really, himself), we know we can use the immigration laws to benefit ourselves.

All the questioning of Mr. Trump revolves around how in the world is he going to round up and deport so many people because logistically it would seem impossible. Well, we at TILT hope it is possible. President Barack Obama has been able to deport around 400,000 people a year, so let’s assume Trump maximizes the efficiencies of the people who work for ICE (LOL, that’s an inside joke for us immigration lawyers —efficiency and ICE— trust me, that kills at our cocktail hours) and he doubles their capacity to deport: that’s 800,000 people a year. That by itself means Mr. Trump, excuse me, President Trump (let’s be optimistic), would have to probably at least triple the size of ICE, which is great for all of our good friends at ICE.

But here is where we stand to gain, and really, isn’t making America Great Again centered on making oneself’s great first? The vast majority of those deported by Obama are done at the border and don’t really give us non-border immigration attorneys any benefit. President Trump will need to do the vast majority of his arresting and deporting right in our backyards, which means business for us. When a person is arrested and accused of being here without proper documentation, the law requires that they see an immigration judge in order for the government to prove their case.

Yes, this is what is called following the law!

Everyone is for law and order and wants everyone to do everything the right way so, here is where we come in.

Lawyers! Immigration Lawyers! People will need us, and will need a lot of us This will be HUUUUUGGGGEEEE!

Oh, we will also need a lot more detention space. Currently, we only have about 40,000 beds a day dedicated to immigration detainees. We will need a lot more. A lot more.

Awesome. That means a lot more work for prison guards and construction workers to build the detention centers. But don’t worry, President Trump will make sure these detention centers are fantastic and your tax dollars will pay for it. My tax dollars too, but I’ll be making a ton of money because of all of these immigrants in detention and in immigration court, so I’ll be able to afford it.

We will need a lot more immigration judges and government attorneys as we currently have well over 200,000 cases backlogged as it is. Again, more of our friends in the government will get new colleagues and job stability.

What is really awesome for us, maybe not for anyone else, is that immigrants will be terrified of President Trump so we can really start charging a lot. We had all of these optimistic Dream Act kids come to us when President Obama signed DACA (the Dream Act) and we all had to charge really low fees because of all the do-gooders out there that were trying to help these people for free or real low cost. Forget that nonsense now the President Trump is at the reins.

Fear will be the overriding force and people pay out of fear.

This will be huge and we won’t have Representative Luis Gutierrez running around telling people they can handle their own deportation cases on their own. They’ll need us.

We at TILT are sure that President Trump will try to cut some corners when he sees how big of a problem he really has and that will mean federal court litigation and federal court litigation means BMWs, vacation homes and Italian loafers for us. We’re going to be filing so many mandamuses and habeas corpuses and all those other fancy Latin sounding things in court that our staffs will have to take Latin at night to keep up.

The best thing is that Trump won’t be able to pass any new laws which will facilitate his planned mass deportation plan, so we will win in courts and we can rake in those sweet EAJA fees (Google it). For the ones he can deport, he said he would have the good ones brought back here expeditiously. Yep, he’s going to get the National Visa Center to be extremely efficient. (LOL, that even gets a bigger laugh at our cocktail parties; if you haven’t figured it out, our cocktail parties are pretty lame.) We can charge for that, too.

We will make money for losing!

Only in America!

In short, TILT fully supports the election of Mr. Donald Trump. We want to make America great again, or at least make us great again. Isn’t that what America is all about?

Editor’s note: The following was a satirical piece. Or was it?


Matthew J. Archambeault is an immigration attorney based in Philadelphia. His podcast focuses on immigration law.